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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Don’t confuse “Settling” with abandoning the search for the perfect man that does not exist…YET!

Let me start this one by saying; If this is not you don’t be offended! Secondly, I would like you to send this to that friend of yours that this speaks “directly” to (wink, wink).

There are countless eligible and able women that continue to be single. Many are single because they choose to be. This piece does not speak to them. This piece speaks to the women that have it going on, have their own, can manage their own affairs, and just have a hard time meeting someone. This also specifically speaks to heterosexual women of this sort. This is because I really don’t know much about the dynamics of any other kinds of relationships.

Many women that I speak to are specific in what they are looking for as it pertains to a man. They want someone who is without complications, a man who has a career instead of a job. They want a man that will be honest and loyal and treat them as they FEEL they deserve to be treated. They tend to want the perfect man. HE DOES NOT EXIST.

Don’t pattern your expectations on a television actor or your father. Don’t think that the guy like your friends husband is out there for you. You have to realize this about those guys: they were assholes and jerks too. Your father wasn’t always your father. Your mother had to deal with a lot for him to become the man that you see today, much of it none of your business. Not very many good men become good men without meeting the other patient half that God intended them to have to make them what they are to be. If the women that have good men are honest with you they would tell you what they had to go through to get that man to be what you currently see.

I spend much time in conversation with older people and they are more than willing to impart this knowledge when the timing calls for it. You tend to see a woman with a huge diamond and you want one. What have you really done to get it? Have you thought about what she had to endure to get that big diamond? That large rock comes with stories and wisdom. Have you seriously thought about what Sis. Johnson had to help her man become to be able to drive that expensive Cadillac to service on Sunday. Bro. Johnson was not always what you see.

Often, if not always, A man is in need of his better half to become a good man. You have to recognize the brothers that have the potential but lack a better half. I would not have married me when my wife met me. I was, and some still say, a hot mess. I must say that I am not all that I want to be but I am, thanks in great part to her and her patience, much better a man, husband, and father than I could have become without her. How can something be perfect when it is not complete? It is the other half that makes it complete. Women want the love that their parents have but they don’t want to DO what their parents did or go through what their parents went through to get it. Ask you Mom seriously how long she had to deal with underwear on the ground before Dad finally got it and started picking them up himself. Ask her how long she had to wait until he started to help with the dishes. Ask her how long she had to endure his nights out with the fellas before she helped him to settle down into the man you now see. He was not born like that. You are by far a better person for having gone through tough things and adversity than you would be without any of it.

Sis. Johnson now deserves that good man. She had a great hand in helping him to become such. How dare you ask that your man come without the imperfections that we are born with? No man is going to be what you classify as a good man unless his mother, his sister(s), you, or some other woman helped him become it! I was a better man for my wife because of the crap I put another woman through, and I am not ashamed to admit it. The mistake of the other woman was she went through crap with me and left. It made me a better man for the next woman. That next woman became Mrs. Gamble. My wife is not the type to make the same mistake. She often tells me that she is not dealing with my mess to hand me off to another woman. SHE IS WORKING ON ME FOR HER! I am doing the same with her for my benefit.

Stop trying to find the perfect man and look for the man that needs you! Chances are you need him too. He will come with some stains, but nothing you can’t wipe squeaky clean. If you think I speak what is not the truth, go and ask a woman that has been married for some time. She will tell you that the man she married is far worse than the man that she has. Most likely others want a man like him too. Why do you think women like married men!

Focus on the man that you can grow with and not the finished product you want. After all, someone else got him there, not you! What the hell makes you think that you are so perfect? He has to deal with your issues as well.

Now, send this to your "girlfriend" that desperately needs to read it!(wink, wink)


  1. Awesome post! I won't go into my issues with my gender here but I will say that we have to be what we are looking for. I can't expect someone to walk into my life with everything intact when I have things I am still working on. We need not settle but be realistic.

  2. Wow!!! That was a mouthful!!!! A hard pill to swallow!!!

  3. I can truly understand all points made! Im a single sister by choice for now...but yes, I desire a good man, a good husband. I'm well aware there is no perfect man, I'm not a perfect woman. I can only know and believe that all we want is someone who respects us, Loves God, loves himself and is faithful and willing to grow together. At this point in my life (40)...I really don't care to deal with the same nonsense I did at 20.I'm different now, my tolerance level is different now, my entire demeanor is different now. I pray I meet someone who has changed for the better at this time in his own life....I have.Let's you know....I'm far from perfection.

  4. also, to add what Momma may have gone through or the sister with the "big Ole" rock on her finger....If you ask them to be honest about if it was worth the heartache and heartbreak they endured...the answer would be no. Some women are more tolerant than others...during that time of pain and mistreatment, they were "settling". Happiness is a choice....being happy single has given me the opportunity to observe and learn....

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